Don't get any big ideas
When I first started skunkworks, I was looking for something.
I was looking to cleanse myself of a bunch of stories I had in my head, little observations I had made or experiences I’d had, stupid and silly little thoughts I’d made along the way to 33 years of existence. I also thought it would fill a creative void I’d been having; I don’t get to write much these days in any other platform, much less do writing where I am unadulterated, unmoderated, or beholden to anybody but me. And you.
The only rule of skunkworks has been this: publish one story within the first 24 hours of the first day of every month.
There have been no page count or word count goals. Those concepts have been afterthoughts, in fact, not even thought of until this very moment and then quickly discarded.
For 34 months straight I have been going fast and hard in this manner. On a few occasions, I have published more than once in the same month. But for how long would I continue this sprint?
This is a question I have long pondered and put off answering. I knew it was out there, but I avoided it, knowing it would more than likely find me.
And it has.
On December 1, 2023, skunkworks will publish its last story for the foreseeable future.
There are many different reasons I could give for this decision, although I highly suspect that this announcement is not necessarily “headline news,” nor is anyone waiting with bated breath to find some reason behind the sudden shuddering.
Simply put, skunkworks has run its course for the time being.
This project has been many things, but the word that comes to mind most is enlightening. I have discovered many things about myself, both pleasant and of the other variety. Both sides of the dichotomy have been helpful, despite painful. Both have been necessary.
This has never been about holding myself accountable. I knew I could hit a deadline, no problem. For me it’s been more about challenging myself to get my thoughts out on paper in an at the very least semi-coherent way. That’s the jungle for me. Making sense to anyone other than myself.
At this, I have both succeeded and failed. Mostly failed. Which I am happy about to a certain extent, because the realization that the majority of the quality of skunkworks material is low also coincides with my desire to pursue other avenues in life. I stand at a very fortuitous crossroads.
When I started, I wanted to see if I could be my own version of Hunter S. Thompson, Charles Bukowski, or Earnest Hemingway. Obviously never to reach the precipices they did, but to channel something along their lines in order to develop a unique voice that I could do something with. At the very least, write these stories and stay disciplined.
But now I feel as though the time has come to move on for a bit. Pack up and hit the road. Feel some fresh air, do some of that living they talk about. Have some new experiences, catch a new vibe. Come home maybe with something to talk about.
Ultimately, I want to cultivate some new skills, round myself out a bit. I think I have gone very far down some paths without finding a home or someplace like it. I’m uncomfortable and my skin is still crawling. skunkworks is not the fix for that, no matter whether I thought from time to time it might be.
I also need to grow up a bit more. Settle down, make the tough decisions that shouldn’t be tough and actually aren’t tough to make once I stop holding on to some adolescent dream of my past.
So it is goodbye, and I do bid you adieu.
But I also reserve the right to come back here and haunt the joint from time to time, kick the walls, sip a few beers, check in on the state of things. Perhaps some fresh air will do us both some good.
I leave you with these words, not my own but to tell you whose they are will make this somehow feel on the nose. So you’ll either know whose they are, and perhaps even know why they’re here. But if not, that’s OK too. It’s all OK.
“Now that you found it
It’s gone.
Now that you feel it
You don’t.”
For me, this has been my predicament. Perhaps it’s yours too. Perhaps it’s all of ours and that’s what we’re all doing out here and searching for the reasoning behind.
What a beautifully ugly predicament.